Slime

If you are like the majority of the American population, you are an overweight hippie who sits on the couch each and every day binging on potato chips and watching reruns of the muppet babies, then you should really consider going on a diet. But you should be aware that not all diets are safe and effective. In fact, some are considerably dangerous and should not be attempted at home. This is a picture of a friend of mine who didn't succumb to the peer pressure and held his own.



I know that all of you are aware of the lovable Subway spokesman Jared Fogle. Supposedly he lost 245 pounds off of his enormous body in only one year of a new diet consisting only of top notch Subway turkey sandwiches and gallons of diet soda throughout the day. This seems to be the perfect way to lose weight, no dishes, no cooking, delightful Subway food for every meal. HOLD THE PHONE LADIES AND GENTLEMAN. Have I just died and gone to heaven.



Can I really eat all that food and not be a complete and total fatass. The answer is yes, if you are willing to risk some of the consequences such as: This diet is very expensive and is lacking in necessary nutrients to preserve a healthy body, mind, energy levels and perhaps even consciousness. At first glance that doesn't seem so bad. Eh, maybe you black out a few times a day and your body starts to whither away from lack of nutrients. I could live with those things, but there are other things about this demonic diet that upset met. This diet may strike a chord in the heart of all the overweight Americans out there, but don't let your guard down. The evil corporate leaders of Subway put on a pretty little mask to make their restaurant chain look like an innocent little sandwich shop that provides nice health meals for the hungry people out there. But I'm truly sorry fans, I hate to have to tell you this, but it goes much, much deeper than that. Back in the days before Subway, there was another man with a dream, a dream that there could be a better sandwich restaurant. He called himself Dave Thomas.



As his small chain of Wendys became more and more successful, he made a name for himself. He was the first person in his family to graduate middle school, which really boosted his confidence and helped give him the courage to step outside the box and make a fast-food restaurant with chili made out of hamburger buns. Things were looking good for little ole' Dave, then all of a sudden, out of nowhere comes the Subway chain with their enormous spokesperson Jared. This was a travesty, everything that Dave Thomas had put into his innocent chain was now defunct. This is where our little friend Jared started to take over the world. This is a warning. He did it to Dave Thomas and he can gosh darn do it to you too if you don't watch out. So ladies and gentleman, please secure your children and lock the doors. I predict that Jared's puppetmaster still has some tricks up his sleeve. We need to keep our eyes open and our mouths closed.